Hell.World.Heaven...

...and everything between


i need to play some chess. i need inspirations to find new strategy. for my own chess game of life.


at first i let her get to me because i am nice and a good listener (all right, i'm also curious!) little did i know, she made me a pawn in her game. didn't take me long to realized what she actually mean...but that's already too late for me to get out. even it's only an hour, it's still too late.


I am now in the position where my only choice is let the white queen overthrown me and take my king, or keep going around the board with my king behind me. If the queen got my king, i'll lose my king. and this, is a very important king of mine. i would never ever betrayed him. but I can only going on for so long, because it's tiring...can somebody move the queen to another board please, so me and my king can rest?



pic taken from pinkiepromises


I want my own Stardestroyer please...


it’s a picture of Esplanade de LaDefense. It’s my metro station, the station is under that pool. It’s walking distance from my app(but not so much in the winter), and the route is the Metro Paris no.1! YEAH!


I miss Paris more than ever now.

not because everybody LOVE Paris-just like how everybody love New York-oh well who doesn’t anyway…it’s just like loving Panda. You can’t NOT doing it.


Lovely and irresistible as ever, but I miss it because of me. It’s one of the symbol of my precious journey. It’s there; soothing me, teach me, guide me, through my struggle. It congratulate me too, when it’s over, and I won.


It’s an icon of how I succeed on shaping myself into what I want. It’s not a pretty-lalala-rainbow journey…but in the end it taste so good, now I can remember the pain with smiles…secret smiles-which is the best smile. And that’s what i’m trying to do now. shaping myself. Hard as heck, but that’s expected…but still hard…sigh…


So Paris, please help me remember…how good it will be in the end. Help me remember that the pain is worth it. And I’ll have another symbol for my another precious journey…

Adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white.


One of my favorite quote is “Be yourself, free yourself. Because who matter don’t mind, and who mind don’t matter”. I’m that type of person, I don’t give a damn about them who don’t matter. But I’d do anything for them who matter. BUT That doesn’t mean I’m a fool for them who matter. Even them, when they proved themselves not worth my attention, I won’t waste my time on them.

And that, is what happen to you.
You know I care for you, so you think you can step on me? Never that, honey.
I maybe love you, but I love myself more. I give you chances yet you blew them all. So say goodbye to all my attention. Let’s meet again when you prove yourself worthy. Maybe it’s for the best, after this nobody will protect you like I do. Nobody will care for you like I do. You have to learn by yourself, and that’s the best way.

I forgive you, for myself. I wish you happiness, for us. I hope you learn about things I failed to teach you, for you. Till we meet again, if you like.

Hari ini saya main sama temen-temen saya….hari ini spesial soalnya Odie dateng bawa anaknya, Aksan. Aksannya udah gedeee, udah nggak di inkubator lagi. Saya duduk samping mereka, biar bisa pegang-pegang Aksan…soalnya kulitnya lembuuuttt. Terus akhirnya saya berhasil buat Aksan senyum dan ketawa. Saking senengnya sampe Nanda yang ketawa liat saya, hahah. Biarin ah.

Nah ditengah-tengah acara makan ini, orang-orang di samping saya heboh banget ngobrolnya, akhirnya saya ikutan. Ternyata lagi debat soal penting atau nggak penutupan jalan waktu pejabat lewat. Ada dua pihak nih, pihak pertama bilang boleh-boleh aja untuk urusan kenegaraan yang emang penting banget, bukan untuk urusan pribadi, dan kalo bisa nggak tiap hari. Biar ngerti yang namanya macet di Jakarta tuh separah apa. Pihak kedua bilang, justru perlu buat keamanan mereka, dan masalah penting nggak penting, bukan kita yang nentuin.

Debatnya masih baik-baik aja, sampe tiba-tiba melenceng jadi masalah perubahan.
Jadi pihak pertama ngasih argumentasi kalau itu salah satu bentuk usaha yang bisa diusahain, memaksa pemerintah untuk ngalamin sendiri yang namanya macet, supaya mereka punya tekanan untuk berbuat sesuatu. Karena kalo mereka nggak ngerasain, gimana mereka mau bersimpati sama rakyatnya? Lagian mereka dipilih kan untuk melayani rakyat, bukan sebaliknya. Pihak kedua bilang, nggak bisa begitu. Karena itu udah priviledgenya pemerintah. Masa iya mentri disuruh macet-macetan? Rapat-rapatnyanya apa kabar? Mereka kan ngurusin masalah se-Indonesia, produktivitas mereka nggak bisa diganggu sama hal-hal kaya macet. Masalah macet tuh butuh power besar, nggak bisa cuma dengan ngebiarin pejabat ikut-ikutan ngerasain macet.

Dari sini, pihak pertama nanya, kalo gitu gimana caranya mau merubah macetnya? Kalau masyarakat nggak mau berusaha, dan pejabatnya nggak mau berubah juga. Apalagi pihak kedua bilang kalau dia jadi mentri pun, dia ga mau priveledge anti macetnya dicabut. Pihak pertama makin nyecer, gimana pun mau berubah, katanya butuh power besar pemerintah, ya pemerintahnya pun nggak sadar kalo mereka harusnya melayani rakyat, kenapa juga jadi rakyat doang yang macet-macet sendiri??

Menurut saya, namanya juga pendapat kan ya, semua punya hak untuk punya pendapat masing-masing. Sampe sini saya masih nggak ikutan, cuma jadi moderator aja. Menjelaskan maksud pihak pertama ke pihak kedua dan sebaliknya yang suka ga nyampe dan salah arti karna keasikan debat.

Intinya mah dari awal sudut pandang dua pihak udah beda. Kalo pihak pertama, pengen berusaha apapun hasilnya, pokoknya usaha aja dulu. Sedangkan pihak kedua ga mau buang-buang waktu buat sesuatu yang ga bakal ada hasilnya.
Sampaii…
Setelah saya coba jelasin ke pihak kedua kalo ini masalah sudut pandang, pihak kedua bilang “Liat aja, sepuluh tahun lagi juga lo nyerah.”
WAH,
Wah, ga bisa gitu. I’m ALL about free speech rights, tapi ini sih namanya udah offence. Soalnya saya sebagai orang-orang yang ingin berusaha, merasa diserang sama kalimatnya itu. Merasa dijatuhkan, dengan pandangan dia yang bilang kalau saya nggak mampu, keadaan nggak akan membantu dan ga akan berubah jadi saya nggak usah buang-buang waktu. Mending cari hal lain untuk dikerjakan. Itu yang saya tangkap dari kalimatnya. Itu namanya pelecehan atas mimpi dan cita-cita. Nggak ada orang yang berhak atas itu! Nggak ada orang yang berhak bilang kalau cita-cita seseorang itu nggak berarti. Dan jangan dengar kalo ada yang bilang kaya gitu!

Intensitas perdebatannya makin naik soalnya nambah tiga orang yang ikutan debat gara-gara kalimat tadi. Mungkin kaya saya, merasa ga terima dibilang ga mampu dan disuruh menyerah sama keadaan. Seru banget deh, mas-mas di the kiosk sampe merhatiin semua, hihi. Debatnya berakhir waktu akhirnya disimpulkan kalau value of life yang masing-masing kita pegang beda. Akhirnya disetujui kalau bagaimanapun kita punya pendapat sendiri-sendiri, sama-sama belajar dari pendapat yang lain aja.

Tapi waktu pulang, perdebatan hari ini teringat terus. Saya merasa dihina, dianggap nggak mampu. Saya merasa ditantang, untuk membuktikan omongan saya. Bahwa 10 tahun lagi saya akan tetap berusaha. Saya tulis disini, untuk mengingatkan saya. Supaya saya gengsi, jangan sampe kemakan omongan sendiri yang bisa dibaca seluruh dunia.

Tiga teman saya yang sepaham, dan dua lagi yang nggak sepaham, mari bertemu lagi 10 tahun lagi. Mari berkumpul dan berdebat seperti ini lagi.
:)



I don’t know how and in which part, but the music gave me the taste of freedom and peace. At first I wonder myself, what did it do to me exactly? Then I found that it didn’t speak to me through the lyrics or the beat or the rhythm, or the melody. It speak to my sense of feeling. It made me feel the song. Kinda like Homogenic, Imogen Heap, Coldplay, Travis, and Mew, but the in the cheery happy free way.

My dream home is a house with backyard and terrace where I can drink tea while I read my books. Full of sunshine and flowers but never hot, always warm. The colors are calm but the air is rich with laughter and happiness. The wind is soft and soothing, perfect for lazy day alone or crazy event full of happy people. And Owl City music really mirrored my imagination of feeling about this place.

Today I learn something,
So today I screwed up. I broke a promise, not only one but two. One of them is my best friend.
She need to buy something, it’s important, but she had to work and need to go straight to Jakarta after, so she didn’t have time to buy it. Since I have time, I said I’ll bought it for her and bring it to her office. My other friend, said that she need me to come to work one hour earlier (3pm) because she have to do something regarding her academic stuff.

I already said yes to both . But I haven’t sleep all night, so I said to them to call me an hour before. I slept after I set my alarm. But when I woke up, it’s already 4pm.
!!!
Turn out that in the middle of my sleep, my phone is dead. At 4pm, my best friend probably already on her way, and my work friend is probably already too late to take care of her stuff. I run to my work place, can’t turn on my phone. It was on for a minute but then messages and phone record keep coming so it turned dead again before I even read one of them.I know it’s them asking where the hell am I.

In the way I keep thinking how I’m ashamed of myself. I disappoint my best friend, and my friend, whom never disappoint me, not once. Air susu dibalas air tuba! I keep thinking how am I gonna make it up to them, who probably won’t even talk to me for a while. I feel like crying, but hey…I don’t have the right to cry. It is me who screwed up!

But guess what,
When I get to the shop…my friend told me it’s okay, I have to do some stock checking, and count the money. She even SMILE to tell me to not worry!!!
That hit me hard. If it was me, I won’t be mad. But HELL NO I’ll smile! I’ll be cold.
I dazed…for like 5 minute? I know it really hard to smile at times like that, but she choose to be a bigger person. Not getting angry is already great. But to even smile, that’s another level already. I want to be there too…I’ll try…

Oh, and when I finally can charge my phone, my best friend text me. No angry message, she even asked me to pray for her success. Later she said thing she want me to buy is just not meant to be taken with her. Huhuuuu…I’m so touched…

Thank you God for giving me good friends, who can teach me to be a better person…

Saya mau protes,
Saya sebel banget kalo dibilang sok kaya gara-gara saya males nawar di gedebage, atau kalo lagi beli bunga di simpang, atau kalo saya males nawar dimanapun. Jarang banget saya nawar, biasanya kalo harga pertama udah nggak cocok yaudah saya tinggal. Kalaupun nawar, nawarnya saya adalah nanya "harga pas-nya berapa?" atau "nggak bisa kurang?" ke si penjual dan ngebiarin penjualnya nentuin harga yang mau ditawarin ke saya. Kalau harganya menurut saya masuk akal, saya beli walupun teman-teman saya bilang "tawar lagi tau harusnya, itu kemahalan". Kalo misalnya harganya saya anggap tetep terlalu mahal, yaudah saya nggak maksa. Saya anggep aja kaya abis liat-liat Topshop, pengen tapi ga mampu atau ga bersedia bayar segitu. Nggak pernah saya ngotot dalam tawar-menawar.

Bukan saya sok kaya, tapi pada dasarnya saya males nawar. Setau saya, opsi boleh nawar itu ada di pasar-pasar, atau tukang asongan kaya tukang bunga yang suka saya beli. Jadi tau juga kan kalo mereka bukan orang-orang yang hidupnya berkecukupan? Kita bayar dengan harga yang ditawarin pun belum tentu bisa cukup buat mereka makan, bayar listrik, air, pendidikan. Apalagi buat kebutuhan tersier macem nonton, belanja, dll.

Kenapa sih nggak rela banget liat orang mau bayar dengan harga yang ditawarin si penjual? Kan mereka pengen juga makan, pengen juga sekolah. Kalaupun udah bisa, udah cukup, kan mereka pengen juga punya baju yang bagus, punya sepatu lucu, bisa nonton film, bisa makan cemilan, kaya kita.

Saya juga nggak bego-bego amat, saya tau harga aslinya cuma seperlimanya. Cuma emang ada ya orang jualan yang nggak cari untung? Kalo dibilang keterlaluan, lebih keterlaluan mana sih sama sepatu dan baju dan tas bermerek? Yang bukan merek macem Cartier pun, yang biasa aja kaya distro deh, dikira nggak ngambil untung berlipat-lipat juga? Tapi dibeli juga kan tetep, kalo suka, kalo pengen? Rela kan ngasih untung 10 kali lipat ke perusahaan-perusahaan itu? Ke toko-toko itu? Kenapa nggak rela ngasih untung 5 kali lipat ke orang lain, apalagi yang hidupnya jauh daripada yang punya perusahaan-perusahaan atau toko-toko itu? This is the part that I won’t participate in.

Kalau ada yang mau, ngambil kesempatan untuk nawar karna udah dikasih, ya silahkan…(ya prinsip ekonomi kan mencari untung sebesar-besarnya memang). Toh value yang kita inginkan berbeda. Makanya sudut pandang kita terhadap suatu hal beda juga. Emang saya marah-marah kalo kalian nawar? Kan nggak…saya juga nggak ngatain kalian sok miskin kan? Jadi jangan sembarangan ngatain saya sok kaya juga dong…

Jangan salah dan dibolak-balik ya! Saya bukannya ga suka sama orang yang doyan nawar, tapi saya nggak suka ada orang yang protes dan ngatain saya kalo saya ga doyan nawar. You have your reason, so do I. I don't bugged you about yours, you shouldn't bugged me about mine.

This is my pensieve...
(is it pensieve or pensive?? You know.., memory holder thingie in Harry Potter??) So this is where I spill everything that cross my mind. Could be important, or simply crap. Whatever..

Firework Play

Firework Play
here's my wings!!

About Me

| genetically skinny | coldhearted (if-not-heartless) bitch | never aspiring to be the hero, rather be the strategist behind the hero | dislike drama in any form | a spitting image of my brave and strong dad, with a touch of my wise mom, which makes me perfect, HAHAH.

yes you can...

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